Abigail’s Story – As Told By Bill

As I’m looking around me, I barely remember how I got into this room. One minute, I’m in the operating room holding Katrina’s hand and then the next I’m in this side room. I can’t even remember the name of the room, but I do remember the hospital told Katrina and I that our midwife couldn’t be in this room in case there was an emergency. An emergency was never going to happen, we were sure, but even though the doctor had originally promised us the midwife could be in this room, we relented and the midwife waited in our hospital room for any updates.

They also had me sitting down in this uncomfortable chair. It was the only option, I guess. When they started putting the IV into Katrina, I felt lightheaded and the nurses, none of whom I knew, set me down in a chair and gave me some juice.

Apparently in all the hubbub of the morning, I had forgotten to have some breakfast. You see, we had to get up around 3:30 in the morning so we could be at the hospital by 4:30. Not only that, but Katrina’s brother was in town for moral support to help his sister through this difficult birth. He was going to take us to the hospital while Katrina’s mom stayed home with the kids and brought them up soon after the C-section was supposed to be over. In the process of making Katrina wake up on time and making sure her brother was ready to go when we were, I forgot to have some breakfast.

I’ve never done well with needles and the thought of lots of blood, so just seeing the anesthesiologist trying to get the needle into Katrina’s spine (he had to try a few times to get it right) set something off in my brain. I can’t remember if someone noticed I was putting my head between my legs or if I said something, but that is when they made sure I was sitting down and drinking some juice. It could have also been that one second I was trying to set up our c-section music and the next second I was slumped over. But whatever it was, someone noticed I was struggling and got me some juice to sip on.

I finally got the music set up and Katrina was all set with her spinal block. It was a little sci-fi movie-like to see her lying down on a bed with a curtain in between the top and bottom part of her body, but I guess this is pretty normal for a c-section. As they were getting ready to start the c-section, the nurses asked if I would like to sit by Katrina’s head and hold her hand while the c-section was going on, which I was more than happy to do. It was nice to be by Katrina’s face so I could talk to her and comfort her, especially since I didn’t want to see what was going on on the other side of the curtain.

The c-section commences and I’m sitting by Katrina, not knowing what to expect. It reminded me of when we got our first ultrasound with a professional who didn’t work for Kicks and Giggles. This sonographer worked regularly with cases like ours. The man at Kicks and Giggles was nice, but when Katrina asked him to get an ultrasound picture of Abigail’s face, he wasn’t able to get a clear picture. When we brought this up to our midwife, Roxanna, she recommended this sonographer who could try to get a clearer picture for us. We had dropped off our 5 boys at my parents so we could get this ultrasound without many interruptions. And it was a good idea too because we had to wait something like 15 minutes for the sonographer to show up and then it took him only a few seconds to recognize that Abigail had anencephaly. We weren’t sure what that was, but we were 100% sure we didn’t like the prognosis. He told us she had a 0% chance of living very long and that we should consider our options. He may have been talking about abortion, but we knew for a fact that would never be an option for us. The news caught us so much by surprise that we spent the whole drive back to my parents crying (I also texted my boss that my half day off work was going to be a full day with an explanation to follow later), and then we stifled our cries while we picked up our kids to not give too much away. Then when we got home, we gave our kids ice cream and told them the news: their baby sister wasn’t going to be on this earth for very long. Most of them didn’t understand what that meant, except for our Sam who was going to be turning 13 soon. He was the only one who grasped our meaning. Then Katrina and I proceeded to our bedroom to cry the rest of the day away.

The c-section is progressing and they can get Abigail. They bring her over to the table so they can start cleaning her off. The nurses ask me if I want to come over and say hi to our daughter. I have never seen a more beautiful baby in my life. She had ears, which we were told she wouldn’t have. She had eyelids, which we were told she wouldn’t have. She also had a cleft lip and a cleft nose, which we were expecting. But she was so beautiful. At the same time I was admiring our newborn Abigail, an alarm went off. I went over to Katrina and noticed she wasn’t grabbing onto my hand. All of a sudden a code-blue was blasted over the loudspeaker. More nurses and doctors rushed into the surgical room and I was taken out in the observation room. They proceeded to hand me Abigail, but I was barely cognizant of what was going on. I knew I wanted to give Abigail a blessing, but I also knew I wanted Katrina to have a chance to be there. I knew I was holding my daughter, but I also wanted to know what was going on with Katrina.

A few days earlier, when Katrina and I were talking about the c-section, we talked about how nervous we were about it. My biggest worry came from a friend whose wife had a c-section with their first baby. During the procedure, the doctors ended up cutting into my friends wifes bladder, causing quite a few issues with her and possibly leading to her not being to have children ever again. I didn’t want this to happen to Katrina and I especially didn’t want her to die. I made her promise that if she did get a choice to come back to this mortal body, she would. It was going to be hard enough to live without Abigail, I couldn’t and didn’t even want to imagine what life would be like without Katrina. So she promised.

So here I was, holding my daughter and my wife clinically dead in the other room. She promised she would come back given the chance, it was time for her to follow through on her promise. But they wouldn’t tell me much about her situation. Instead, they wanted to get me out of the observation room and into our hospital room. They left me on the recliner they had me on (I had been feeling lightheaded since Katrina died) and rolled me up to our hospital room, Abigail still in my arms.

I was wheeled into our hospital room where our family had been waiting. My parents and Katrina’s mom and oldest brother were there, as well as all of our boys. They all greeted Abigail and me with smiles and I was wheeled over to right next to the hospital bed. I still had only a little idea of what was going on. The family sang “Families Can Be Together Forever” to Abigail and I remember looking around and seeing Ben crying. But all I could think about was giving Abigail a blessing and figuring out what was going on with Katrina.

What was I going to do if Katrina didn’t come back to us like she promised? How would I take care of all of these children by myself? I had already spent time as a mostly single parent at home with Katrina taking college classes and being gone most of the time. How would it feel for her to be gone permanently?

After the singing, Katrina’s brother Tim helped me to focus on giving Abigail a blessing. My dad joined in the circle. I could barely get the words out. I’ve never been asked to give a blessing to a baby who was going to die sometime soon.

After the blessing, I did feel a little bit of the weight lifted off of my shoulders. However, the question still remained: what was going on with Katrina? I was asked if we should pass Abigail around so people could hold her or if we should wait for Katrina. After some time. I decided it was better that everyone got a chance to hold her. We weren’t sure how long we’d have Abigail with us. My dad, who originally didn’t think he’d want to hold Abigail, held and looked at Abigail when it was his turn. Corbin wasn’t sure about holding Abigail at first (he was only 3 years old), but one of the nurses talked him through it and he was fine. Sam held Abigail and his eyes welled up. You could tell there was pain there in his eyes that he was trying to hold back. Grandma Garner comforted him and helped him to feel ok.

Eventually, we got word that Katrina was stable and in the ICU. They asked if I wanted to bring Abigail down to Katrina and visit with her for a bit. Of course I wanted to, as this was the best news I had heard about Katrina since the code blue.

I was asked to place Abigail in a bassinet and then I rolled the bassinet down to Katrina’s ICU room. At first, you could tell that Katrina was out of it, which is perfectly reasonable since she had died just an hour earlier. But when I got to show Katrina Abigail, you could tell the surprise on her face. Katrina wasn’t surprised with how Abigail looked. Katrina was going to love Abigail no matter what. Behind the surprise was a look of love. But the surprised look was that Katrina got to hold and see Abigail before she passed. We would have never imagined (though prayed) that we would get a chance to see Abigail alive. And here we were, Katrina came back from the dead and Abigail was still alive.

We spent the next day just enjoying our Abigail. She breathed in an odd way thanks to the cleft nose. So every once in a while she would have to take one really big breath. It was cute to watch, but also incredibly heartbreaking. The kids were able to come into the ICU room, but not for very long before they had to leave. We all talked to Katrina about Abigail. Eventually, the boys and Katrina’s mom had to go and it was just Katrina, Tim, and I in the room. We all took turns holding Abigail and watching her. The seconds ticked away. But I had my wife and I had my daughter at the same time and I couldn’t have been more grateful.

But my life was never going to be the same. I experienced my wife dying and I would soon experience my daugher dying as well. Other people in my life have passed away, but nothing hit me as hard as this. It felt much like when Harry Potter started seeing the threstrals at school after his godfather had died right in front of him. I was never going to see the world the same way ever again.

The next morning, I woke up early to take Katrina’s brother to the airport, which wasn’t far from the hospital. On the way back, I stopped by a grocery store to pick up something for breakfast. When I was walking back to the car, Katrina called me from the hospital. Abigail’s heartbeat was slowing down and she didn’t have much time left. Luckily the grocery store was just down the road from the hospital, so I was able to get there pretty fast.

When I finally made it to Katrina’s ICU room, she had Abigail skin to skin and Katrina was singing to her, enjoying the last few moments together. About a half hour after I got back, at 7:20AM, the doctor confirmed that Abigail had passed away. It wasn’t nearly long enough time with Abigail, but it was just enough time.